My dad marched me back to the pharmacy. I can still remember shaking as I walked into the store. I can feel the weight of that plastic container in my hand. I honestly didn't have the words to explain the complex causes that led up to that choice.
There were valid reasons stemming from inner pain and disempowerment. If anybody had taken the time to dig into what I was feeling, what I was yearning for and what I was compensating for, they could have connected with me and helped me process what I was going through.
I remember it because it was an unexpected moment of kindness amidst all the disconnection. I ended up stealing for years and years. When I got caught and given a consequence it would just roll off my back. It didn't matter what it was I didn't let it touch me. In fact, it felt somewhat exhilarating to get caught. My heart would race and the adrenaline rush was intense.
It also didn't matter if anyone would say that they didn't trust me anymore. That would certainly increase my shame, but shame was largely why I continued to steal. What I learned experientially from being made to take the makeup back is that when we have power we can force other people to act against their will. If we can help our kids feel loved and supported they will learn to act from compassion instead of fear.
This is how we teach responsibility and accountability. Imagine if you broke your good friend's phone. Maybe you dropped it or maybe you had a moment of anger and threw it. An important question to ask is, are you paying for the phone because you're afraid that they might sue you or call the cops? This respect for self and others is the true seed of taking accountability, not fear of consequences. If the consequences disappear, so does our remorse! I remember the day I realized that I could take any punishment my parents dished out and it would not change a thing.
When people operate from empathy and collaboration instead of fear, often they will go to great lengths to care for the other person even when it's challenging.
This is one of the great things about humanity. We are capable of powerful acts of kindness and courage. This is a whole different way to approach teaching values. It's not about modifying behaviour, but about forming a deeper and more trusting relationship where you can talk fearlessly about difficult things. My daughter is now 22 and we're the best of friends. There's a deep respect and trust between us. We are learning partners walking the path of life together.
She knows no matter how challenging something is that I will not judge her. She can count on my support and she seeks it out. It has been worth all the work, the blood, sweat, and tears of compassionate and honest self-reflection, to have this kind of relationship.
Stealing did not become a habit. Kids who are acting in dangerous or self-destructive ways need to feel cared about. I know a part of me stopped believing that caring about others was important.
As parents, we can show our kids that caring is important. We can demonstrate to them that even in pain, even in stress, even in times of struggle, it is possible to be kind and loving. It is possible to choose a compassionate path. My damaged relationship with myself. Let's focus on parenting relationships instead of wrongness. Plus, shoplifting makes prices higher for other customers. They should also know that stealing is a crime and can lead to consequences far worse than being grounded, including juvenile detention centers and even prison.
If stealing money from a parent, the child should be offered options for paying back the money, like doing extra chores around the house. It's important, however, that a parent not bait the child by leaving out money in the hopes of catching the child in the act. That could damage the sense of trust between parents and kids. If your child has stolen more than once, consider getting professional help. Repeat offenses may indicate a bigger problem.
One third of juveniles who've been caught shoplifting say it's difficult for them to quit. So it's important to help kids and teens understand why stealing is wrong and that they may face serious consequences if they continue to steal. Most ordinary acts of theft or shoplifting are deliberate, but some people who steal may have kleptomania. With this rare compulsive disorder, which makes up a very small portion of all shoplifting cases, a person feels a sense of tension or anxiety before the theft, then feels relief or gratification when committing the theft.
The person may feel guilt afterward and even discard the stolen objects, and might have other compulsive disorders such as an eating disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD. Whatever the underlying cause, if stealing is becoming a habit with your child or teen, consider speaking with a doctor or therapist to get to the cause of the behavior. It's also important to routinely monitor your child's behavior, keep him or her away from situations in which stealing is a temptation, and establish reasonable consequences for stealing if it does happen.
They don't steal with bad intentions. Children between the ages of 3 and 7 start to respect things that belong to others. However, this age group will trade property without regard to value if something else is wanted. The respect for property continues in the school-aged child.
By the time the child is 9, the child should respect the possessions of others and understand that stealing is wrong. Children in this age group may continue to steal because of several factors, including the following:.
They may try to become good at stealing to feel proud of something they have done if they don't receive positive feedback from their parents. Children older than age of 3 should be confronted with any lying or stealing, but it is important to remember that most of these behaviors are part of growing up and do not represent severe problems.
Each child is unique, and your child's healthcare provider should be involved with any concerns. Health Home Conditions and Diseases. Handling the situation when your child is lying When confronted with a child who is lying, it is important to first remember the child's age and developmental stage.
Other factors that may cause a child to lie These factors include: Children may lie if their parents' expectations of them are too high. Children who are not disciplined on a consistent basis may lie. Children who don't receive praise and rewards may lie to get this attention.
When does lying become a concern? If any of these apply to your child, it is important to talk with your child's healthcare provider: A child who is lying and at the same time having other behavioral problems, such as setting things on fire, being mean to people or animals, having sleep problems, or is very hyperactive, may have more psychological problems.
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